lucidity
by tautophony
Summary: Kaito's life is just a constant downward spiral ever since the incident that broke him. Sorry, Kiyoteru. / rape/noncon. abuse. blood/gore. brief suicide mention. no character death, but not a happy ending.


i.

When Kaito breaks, Kiyoteru is there to pick up the pieces.

He doesn't ask questions when Kaito shows up at his house at three in the morning, barely holding onto his tattered and dirtied clothes that otherwise would just fall to pieces around him. He doesn't say a word when he immediately draws up a bath and starts putting together an outfit that hopefully will fit Kaito's frame.

He doesn't say anything even when Kaito is all cleaned up and taken care for, and as the blue haired man cries into his arms.

Kaito never tells him what exactly happened that night, but he figures Kiyoteru already knows.

He's just glad Kiyoteru never pushes the subject or tries to call the police to hunt down the men who did this to him.

Kaito was never the obedient type. He was always the kind of person to play by his own rules, hang out with the wrong crowd until he got bored of them, made all sorts of enemies…

… which eventually led to his rape. Not that he could have predicted _that_ , but they were going to kill him if it weren't for that golden opportunity where he was able to fend them off and run away.

He made sure he had lost them before making his way over to Kiyoteru's house. If they track him there and find out about Kiyoteru, then… well.

There aren't any words in existence that could accurately describe his hatred for those bastards if they ever touched Kiyoteru.

But Kaito vows to change his ways. Kiyoteru is the nicest person he knows, and he seems to be doing well for himself: a house, a stable job, good connections, a girlfriend…

He just wishes _he_ was more to Kiyoteru than just a _good friend_.

ii.

It takes almost a month for Kaito to start talking again, and even then he doesn't tell a single soul what happened to him that night. No one asks.

Kiyoteru is delighted to hear his voice again, though, and something warm spreads through Kaito's chest upon hearing the elated tone of the other male.

"Like I mentioned a while ago, you, ah… you can stay here as long as you want," Kiyoteru smiles, handing Kaito a bowl of cereal. Kaito wishes his breakfast was something Kiyoteru actually cooked, but Kiyoteru is in a rush. Kaito understands. "I know you went through something really bad, and… well… I just want to do the best I can to help."

"… Thank you," Kaito mumbles before taking his first spoonful of cereal. It's bland.

He hasn't been able to taste anything for a month.

The phone rings, and Kiyoteru hastens his packing. "Well, I'll just answer that really quick and then I'll be off for work. You can stay here until I come home, right?"

Kaito nods, and Kiyoteru immediately heads off. For some reason, Kiyoteru's words plants a thought in his head that makes him think that they're actually _together_ , and it takes all his effort to not immediately squash it.

Living with Kiyoteru. That's what he was doing, wasn't it? It was nice.

But he was also taking advantage of the teacher's kindness, and that left a sour note in Kaito's throat. It wasn't _genuine_.

Kiyoteru wasn't his partner. He already had one, and was even planning on proposing to her at some point within the month.

Suddenly the cereal just plain tastes _bad_ , and he dumps it all out in the sink. It's messy and there's cereal everywhere, but Kaito can't bring himself to care.

Nothing tastes good anymore.

iii.

Kaito still gets nightmares of the night he was raped. At some point, he becomes unable to tell what really happened and what only occurred in his dreams.

Sometimes they brand him. Where the hot iron comes from, he doesn't know, but it hurts _so fucking bad_ and his throat is raw and scratchy when he finishes screaming. His neck can't turn far enough to see what obscenity they branded onto him, anyway.

Sometimes they cut him open. They take a blade and drag it down the length of his torso, splitting skin from skin and flaying him open like a fish. They reach inside and remove his organs one by one, careful enough so that they don't rip, but careless enough so that it hurts. Kaito watches as they brandish his own insides in front of his face, and watches as they squeeze those organs until they rupture.

Sometimes they don't even rape him. They just beat him mercilessly until he's nothing but an indistinguishable bloody pulp. When that happens, Kaito isn't even in his own body – he's an outside force watching as they mutilate his physical form, and even he can't even tell that's supposed to be _him_.

Sometimes they just shoot him. Shoot the joints of his legs and arms so that they're rendered useless like wet noodles, and then grab them and twist them around to obscenely impossible angles so that he screams until he loses his voice. There's no running or hope of overpowering them when this happens. They've rendered him completely useless, and there's no hope of _anything_.

Sometimes those nightmares last until he dies. When he dies, he wakes up on Kiyoteru's floor, unsure of how he got there since Kiyoteru gave him his own room to sleep in, but there are tears streaming down his face and he's curled into himself in a defensive position.

Sometimes those nightmares end differently. Sometimes someone comes along and sees what's happening and calls the police, and Kaito is saved just before it's too late. Kaito prefers the endings where he actually dies.

But sometimes… his rapists somehow find out about Kiyoteru. After they've had their fun with Kaito (but not enough fun that they've killed him), they'll split and drag Kiyoteru's limp body in front of Kaito's face, gloating. There's no saving him because he can't move, and he isn't sure that Kiyoteru's even alive anyway.

Outside of his dreams, Kaito's never seen Kiyoteru naked. But inside of his dreams, his rapists will cut away Kiyoteru's clothes until there's nothing left. In Kaito's dreams, Kiyoteru's skin is perfect, flawless. It's always a bit on the pale side because he can never imagine Kiyoteru having a tan, and there's never a trace of a scar or any other wound anywhere among his flesh.

At least, not until those bastards plunge the knife down and start cutting him up.

Kiyoteru's blood is a vivid red – a stark contrast to the dull and bleak monochrome blue that makes up the rest of his dreams. It'd almost look pretty if it weren't Kiyoteru's blood on Kiyoteru's body, and Kaito thinks that hurts more than actually being the victim himself.

But it's never enough. Even after mutilating Kiyoteru's body (but never to the point where he's unrecognizable; no, they want Kaito to _see_ him), they'll start raping him too. Kaito isn't sure if it's still rape if the person being raped is dead, but the terminology doesn't matter when they're still holding his body down as if he could struggle, and desecrate it even more by spewing their disgusting liquids over him like he was nothing.

When Kaito wakes up from those dreams, he's screaming.

His screams always wake Kiyoteru up, and Kiyoteru always comes rushing into his room (if he's even there and not on Kiyoteru's floor), and Kiyoteru has to hold him for the rest of the night until he finally calms down, reassuring himself that Kiyoteru is _alive_ and hasn't been touched.

He never tells Kiyoteru about those dreams. He doesn't know how well the teacher would react.

The dreams get worse as time goes on and nothing happens. The group who raped him is still out there, and he doesn't know if they've just forgotten and moved on or if they're hunting him down. And if they find him at Kiyoteru's place…

… Kaito doesn't want to have any regrets.

iv.

When Kiyoteru's gone, whether it's away for his job or on a date with his _girlfriend_ , Kaito daydreams.

He daydreams about a world where he didn't get raped, where he's able to function like a normal person and not have to rely on his best friend like he was an invalid. He daydreams about having hobbies, having a stable job for himself…

… and about having Kiyoteru as his romantic partner.

He knows it's wrong, and that it's another thing added to the _list of things he can never tell Kiyoteru_.

Kaito daydreams about going on romantic dates with him. He was never the romantic type, but he's willing to take it over Kiyoteru _not_ being his boyfriend. Kiyoteru was probably the romantic type, anyway. Kaito was willing to do anything for him.

He doesn't have to imagine him naked since his nightmares already do that for him. Kaito can't imagine Kiyoteru naked anyway without seeing the blood or mutilated fingers and toes, and he doesn't want to have those visuals in his head when he doesn't want to, so that's out of the question.

He _does_ , however, fantasize about kissing him. Kaito's lips are chafed and cracked and dry, completely unpleasant all around. But because Kiyoteru actually takes care of himself, Kaito imagines that his lips are soft. Maybe not like a woman's, though Kaito doesn't have anyone to compare to since he's never kissed a girl himself.

Kiyoteru's personality is of the shy nature, so Kaito imagines himself making the bolder moves. He'd pin Kiyoteru to a wall and kiss him until neither could go much longer without air, and when they spread apart, they'd still be connected by a thin trail of saliva. Kiyoteru's face would be red and he'd silently ask for more, and Kaito would gladly give it to him.

Sometimes, though, he imagines Kiyoteru taking the initiative himself. Kiyoteru's the shorter one, so he'd grab Kaito's scarf and pull him down until their lips meet, and he wouldn't let go until he was satisfied. While Kaito would readily and easily deepen the kiss to involve tongue, Kiyoteru would just be glad with chaste kisses.

Of course, Kaito doesn't know how the real Kiyoteru would go about kissing. He's never seen how Kiyoteru acts around his girlfriend; she never comes over.

Which is probably for the best.

But Kaito is satisfied with his daydream Kiyoteru, and in his head, away from reality and his nightmares, he can pretend that he lives in an ideal world.

v.

Kaito isn't satisfied anymore.

Daydreaming of his perfect life with Kiyoteru isn't nearly the same as the real thing. He can't actually _feel_ Kiyoteru holding him or kissing him, and he can't get his nightmares where he actually _can_ feel things to shift over to good dreams.

It's frustrating.

It's also the worst possible moment, because Kiyoteru plans on proposing to his girlfriend later today.

It's selfish and incredibly inconvenient of him, but he at least wants Kiyoteru to _know_. He doesn't care for Kiyoteru's actual reaction (that's a lie), but he wants to get the truth out.

And maybe Kiyoteru won't completely hate him for it.

He stops Kiyoteru from leaving for his date by grabbing at his arm, halting the smaller male in his tracks. Kiyoteru blinks and turns around with a confused expression on his face. "Hm? What is it, Kaito?"

"…" Deep breaths. One, two… "There's something I want to tell you. Before you go."

"Why so tense? You aren't going to say that you love me, are you?"

Kiyoteru laughs, but he hit the nail dead on. All Kaito can do now is hang his head and wait for Kiyoteru to notice.

When Kiyoteru opens his eyes and notices Kaito's expression, his laughter dies away and he blinks. "Ah… you weren't… actually going to say that, were you…?"

Kaito can't bring himself to respond. Kiyoteru's facial expression (expectedly) turns awkward and he coughs once, retracting into himself. "Um… w-well… Kaito, I don't really know what kind of response you were expecting… not that I don't think you're a good person or that you aren't someone I'd date, but I'm… kind of in a relationship already? That you've known about since it started?"

"You don't have to keep going, you know," Kaito brings his head up and he tries to smile. It's strained, and even someone like Kiyoteru can see right through it. "I didn't expect you to do anything about it. I just wanted to let you know. Good luck on your proposal."

Before Kiyoteru can get another coherent word out, Kaito pushes him out the front door and locks it behind him (Kiyoteru has the keys to his own house; it's fine). He keeps his weight pressed against it to prevent Kiyoteru from being able to come back in for the time being, trying to block out the teacher's protests.

Eventually they die away, and Kaito presses his back to the door. He covers his face with his hands and slowly slides down until he reaches the floor, and lets out a deep sigh.

He doesn't want to see Kiyoteru again for a while.

vi.

Ever since he confessed, Kaito's been keeping himself locked in the room Kiyoteru lent to him.

It's not like he has anywhere to go, and he's become too afraid to step foot outside. In case he's recognized, in case they find him and try to track down where he's been hiding.

Because even though he kind of hates Kiyoteru now, he still doesn't wish any foul play upon him.

 _I'm so stupid_ , he thinks to himself on a daily basis. _Of course he doesn't love me back. He can't. There's nothing about me to love. I'm just a mess of a human being. I don't deserve to live. I'm just dragging him down…_

He can't bring himself to leave the room and look Kiyoteru in the eye again.

Kiyoteru, in the meantime, has been leaving food for him outside his door. He knocks three times a day, announcing that it's there for Kaito to eat, and leaves until it's time to gather the dirty dishes to replace with food again the next day.

It's homemade. Not instant or frozen.

It's honestly delicious.

It's the first thing Kaito's been able to taste in months.

When the routine first started, Kiyoteru stayed by the door for hours at a time, trying to get Kaito to talk to him. It never worked, but he always left the food behind. Kaito didn't even touch it for the first few days, but eventually the hunger wore out and he let himself take it.

Kiyoteru didn't try catching him with the door open. Kaito almost respected him for that, but it still wasn't enough for him to want to actually _see_ him again.

Kaito almost feels like a prisoner. It's his own fault, though; he's the one who locked himself in here. He's the one who won't let himself leave.

He has nowhere else to go.

More than once a day he thinks about ending his own life, but he can't bring himself to do it. It'd be yet _another_ burden on Kiyoteru, and as much as he both hates and loves him, he can't give Kiyoteru that responsibility.

He's just sitting here and wasting his life away.

vii.

Kaito's dreams are shifting.

They've shifted away from the usual reliving of the worst day of his life to something different, something Kaito didn't think he'd actually dream about.

It almost makes him feel guilty that he can feel what happens to him in his dreams.

In his new dreams, he's forcing Kiyoteru down. He can't control his body or his own thoughts – the thoughts that are just full of making Kiyoteru submit to _him_ and forget that he ever even had a girlfriend (or was it fiancée now? He never did learn the outcome of that proposal).

Kiyoteru's body in his new dreams look just as they did in the old ones, only without the blood and mutilation.

But Dream Kaito marks it up anyway with bite marks and scratches that seem almost ill-fitting on the teacher's pale skin.

He kisses Kiyoteru more fiercely than he ever did in his daydreams, and he can almost taste the salty tears that streaks down the bespectacled male's face. His dreams were almost never consensual – the one time Kiyoteru _may_ have consented to his advances…

… was the one time Kiyoteru killed him before he could even do anything.

But most of the time, Kaito's just forcing him down with brute strength. Sometimes he ties his arm together with that blue necktie Kiyoteru loves wearing so much, sometimes he doesn't hold him down at all so that Kiyoteru can fight back and hurt him.

He never seems to try very hard.

But that's what he ends up spending his dreams doing. He ravishes Kiyoteru until both of them are out of breath but (at least for Kaito) unsatisfied.

He always wakes up before he can actually fuck him.

No matter how hard he tries or how fast he tries to do it, he always wakes up before he can get to the main event.

It's both relieving and frustrating.

Relieving in the sense that he isn't such a complete monster to ruin Kiyoteru in his dreams the same way he was ruined in reality,

and frustrating in that he was getting _really tired_ of waking up with an erection every single day.

He can't use the bathroom while Kiyoteru is awake and going through the house, so Kaito had adjusted his schedule to be asleep during the day and awake at night. It's the only way he can think of where he can actively avoid Kiyoteru at all times.

And if this is what his dreams were suddenly about, he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to see Kiyoteru again. He isn't sure what he would do.

And that scares him more than anything.

viii.

Kaito can't hold back anymore.

ix.

Kaito isn't sure how long it's been since he was raped and taken under Kiyoteru's wing.

That doesn't matter anymore.

Not while he's hovering over Kiyoteru's unconscious body lying in his own bed, oblivious to what's about to happen to him.

He wastes no time in stripping the teacher of his clothes, savoring the way his skin feels every time his hands brush against it, revealing more of him than he had ever seen outside of his dreams.

Kiyoteru's body isn't _exactly_ how he always dreamed it to be, but it still catches his breath regardless.

There's a light scar on his left hipbone that probably has a story behind it, one Kaito will never know. Kiyoteru's a bit skinner than expected, but that means nothing to Kaito. His skin is just as pale as he thought it'd be, and it wouldn't make sense otherwise considering the teacher never stayed outside for very long.

He is more beautiful than Kaito could ever hope for.

Kaito doesn't deserve him.

But Kaito's tired of waiting and wishing for what he can't have.

When Kaito starts sliding his pants and underwear down, Kiyoteru twitches and opens his eyes. He sees a too-thin figure looming above him, holding his hands above his head, and feels something hard poke at his stomach.

It doesn't take long for him to figure out what's happening.

"K-Kaito-" is all he can get out before Kaito's hands move from his wrists to his mouth, cutting him off.

"Don't say a word."

The pants slide off the rest of the way, and Kiyoteru is completely bare before him. Kiyoteru himself is now completely awake and beginning to resist him, but that's okay, because even in his weakened state Kaito still thinks he's stronger.

It's just a little harder than he thought he'd be.

"Do you know how long I've loved you, Kiyoteru?" He asks, neither expecting nor hoping for an answer as he slides out of his own clothes and tosses them to the side. Kiyoteru's eyes widen and Kaito can see the tears forming in them.

It's kind of cute.

When Kaito leans his face closer to Kiyoteru's, Kiyoteru squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head to the side. Kaito whispers into his ear, and Kiyoteru's entire body trembles. "Twelve years. Not long after we first met. Do you know how hard it is to keep something like that in for such a long time?"

Kiyoteru met his girlfriend (or possibly fiancée) nine years ago. They became official seven years ago.

Kaito's known him longer.

He uses his free hand to grab Kiyoteru's hip, squeezing down hard until he's sure Kiyoteru will have dark bruises there in the morning. He just wants to mark what he'd been chasing after for so long, even if he can't actually keep him.

It's about time Kiyoteru learned, anyway.

"You're so dense, Kiyoteru," Kaito laughs harshly, positioning his cock at Kiyoteru's entrance. There's no lubricant on him, and he doubts Kiyoteru has any when he has a _girlfriend._ Though Kiyoteru's probably the "wait for marriage" type.

It makes Kaito feel happy that he'll be Kiyoteru's first.

He spits into his hand and rubs that over himself first, because it's the best he can do. Slowly, he starts pushing in, watching Kiyoteru's facial expressions change intently.

Kiyoteru's eyes widen and he'd probably be shaking his head in denial if Kaito's hand wasn't pushing him down. When the head of Kaito's cock is in, his eyes widen, and as Kaito pushes himself further and further in, he squeezes those eyes shut and allows the tears to fall.

Kaito doesn't remember if he cried when he was raped. Probably. But he doesn't know what actually happened on that day anymore.

It's agonizingly slow (and painful, in Kiyoteru's case), but eventually Kaito finds himself completely inside. It's burning and tight, and he can feel Kiyoteru pulse around him with each rapid beat of his heart.

"It's almost like we're actually together, huh?" Kaito smiles wryly and takes his hand away from Kiyoteru's mouth.

All Kiyoteru can do in response is make pained gasps.

Kaito's other hand slides down to Kiyoteru's other hip, and he gets a good grip before pulling out. It's hard to pull out, especially when there's no good lubricant, and Kiyoteru's latched onto him so hard that it almost feels like Kiyoteru doesn't _want_ him to leave.

Of course he knows that's not the case, but he likes to imagine it anyway.

He starts building up his speed, and Kiyoteru starts becoming more vocal.

Kiyoteru can't even bring himself to scream – rather, he settles just for choked sobs that synchronize in time with Kaito's thrusts.

The thrusts in particular get easier to do after a while, and Kaito knows that they shouldn't be because that means he's breaking Kiyoteru's body in order to do so. But that's okay, because Kaito went through the same thing a few months back, and he turned out…

… not fine, but still functioning. Kiyoteru will live.

Kaito changes their positions so that Kiyoteru's back his facing him and so that he's holding onto the teacher's arms. Every time he thrusts forward, he pulls Kiyoteru's arms back, allowing him to thrust deeper into the smaller male and break him that much more effectively.

Kiyoteru is much more vocal like this.

"K-Kah—Kaito… I'm sor-sorry…."

All Kiyoteru does now ever since he started talking to him again is apologize. Kaito hates it. It makes him feel like he's punishing Kiyoteru when he didn't even do anything wrong.

"Stop apologizing," he grunts with a particularly hard thrust, and Kiyoteru nearly shrieks before devolving back into a mess of sobs.

Kiyoteru isn't enjoying this one bit, as evidenced by the way he wasn't hard at all despite Kaito being near his limit.

So Kaito pulls Kiyoteru back onto his lap, still thrusting up into him, and uses one of his hands to stroke Kiyoteru's member. He times his strokes along with his thrusts, and it takes only a short while before Kiyoteru's breaths shift from pained to actual gasps of pleasure.

"W-wait…" Kiyoteru shakes his head in desperation, weakly trying to push himself away. "St-stop… I don't… I don't want…"

Kaito doesn't care what he wants. He continues running his fingers along the shaft, and uses the precome that Kiyoteru so desperately was trying to hold in to make it feel even better. It's slick, and Kaito's fingers hover around the head since that's where Kiyoteru seems the most sensitive, pressing over the slit and circling around under.

Kiyoteru's gasps turn more into pants, and Kaito resumes his thrusting. His other hand reaches up to pull at a nipple, and Kiyoteru's body completely seizes up, and he clenches Kaito harder than before.

The sensation completely brings Kaito over the edge, and the very next moment he comes inside of Kiyoteru, biting down on the teacher's shoulder so hard that it draws blood.

When Kaito finally pulls out, it's dark, but he can see the rivulets of blood streaking down between Kiyoteru's legs. Kiyoteru's body itself is shaking, and Kaito can see his muscles involuntarily having spasms at irregular intervals.

 _Was I like this when I was raped?_ Kaito wonders for a moment and then remembers that he didn't have time to lie around.

He ran away before he could even process what had been done to him.

Kiyoteru doesn't say anything to him, but rather just covers his face with his arms and sobs into them.

Kaito doesn't even have the capacity to feel regret for what he's done.

x.

When Kiyoteru breaks, Kaito is just.

there.


End file.
